


Not Worth Remembering

by TransAlex23



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Chaptered, Crying, Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Language, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Insanity, Insomnia, Love, M/M, Major Violence, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Mentions of Mental Illness, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of love making, Minor Violence, Murder, Murder Mystery, POV Phil Lester, Phanfiction, Psychological Drama, Sad Ending, suicide note
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-01-31 10:44:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12680298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransAlex23/pseuds/TransAlex23
Summary: A fic about a love Dan and Phil had and lost through a tragedy Phil can't seem to remember- at least not yet. Not when his head is swimming in the news of murders around town and Dan hasn't returned home in days. Not when his best friend- his lover- is lost in his memory and he can't remember where the police station is to try and find him. He can't find his phone and he can't hear his breathing anymore but he can feel Dan's hands around him sometimes, if he tries hard enough.And that's enough for him.That's worth more than remembering.CURRENTLY ON HIATUS





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [asunamisa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/asunamisa/gifts).



There was a day, one so grey and dismal it hurts to remember, that my entire life changed in the time it took to blink. Everything I thought I knew was brought to light, and I learned the truth about everything I thought was already real. And I was so clueless- so blind- no not have seen my world crashing around me. My mind was blurred with red and blue and this painful glare from the light through my window that it shut everything out, leaving me abandoned to live without a conscience to lead me.

You see, there’s a point in everyone’s life where they say they’re in love. And it is that person’s job to decipher if they are in love with the person they claim to love, or if they are in love with what they make them feel. But with Dan, I knew the answer the first time I laid eyes on him. It was his cocoa brown hair curling around his shaking fingers and his caramel brown eyes melting in the heat of the moment, dilated from the nerves and excitement. It was the way he held onto me like I would slip through his fingertips the moment he admitted his undying love for a man he barely knew. 

And he did, one day three years later with his head on my chest, tracing patterns onto my exposed bicep while I ran my fingers through his hair. He whispered three words so silently the draft carried them away the moment they left his lips. His sweet, soft lips, that could kiss away the pain of a thousand lost lives if you asked them to. He didn’t repeat himself- he didn’t need to. The roses painting his cheeks and growing along his ears spoke more than those words could, and somehow it meant more. It meant more that three little words had enough meaning to dust his cheeks a crimson colour so lustful and loving, because that meant it was real. That meant I had somehow managed to get a certain grasp on his heart that made him swoon towards the comfort love brought. And I wanted to gift that to him- I wanted to show him what love was. 

And I did. Three seconds later I whispered them back, and I’d never seen someone’s eyes be so soft and love filled. They were shining with fresh tears, ones that slipped when his heart shattered under the weight of love it had never felt, but would grow accustomed to. And his arms felt like home when they wrapped around me and his lips slipped into mine, unlocking a new type of passion that danced with sugar on it’s tongue and love in it’s palm. It was- it was the type of glass you see in churches, delicated and fragile and telling stories with pictures painted in blues and yellows. 

And one day,

It shattered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! How are you doing? I hope it's going well. I'm always so happy when you guys are doing well. And even if you aren't, that's okay. Everyone has bad days- it's normal. No matter what the reason, if there even is one, it's okay for you to be having a bad day. Just know that it won't be like that forever, no matter how much it feels like it will be. Just let today come and go, and know that tomorrow is new and will be better than today, if you let it. So let tomorrow be a new day, let it be amazing. And if it isn't, keep waiting. Keep waiting for the perfect day- one that was good from start to finish. Because you will find that perfect day- that day you hold with you until your last breath. 
> 
> Okay, so, yes my account/stories are kind of a mess... and for that I really really apologise. I know I haven't finished tumblr yet, I'm trying to figure out a fitting ending for it. And I did orphan a work, it was called Beautiful Nightmare. I lost the document I had for it and it's just been so long- it wasn't one of my favourites, so I sincerely apologise if you liked that work and wanted it to be finished :( If you're really really curious, you can always contact me and I'll tell you what happened.  
> But this prompt was given to me by one of the amazing people I've met on this site, and I love it so so so much, so I thought I'd get started on it :) I can't really promise anything, but I'll try to get at least one chapter up a week, or get some kind of regular uploading schedule. So look forward to a new chapter every Friday/Saturday probably :) And this chapter is just kind of a prologue, a bit of a teaser for what this story is going to be. I really like the promp I was given, and I hope I fulfill the wishes of the gifter of the promp ^-^  
> Speaking of, if you guys literally ever want to give me a promp, feel free to! I absolutely love promps or suggestions, even if it's just "hey do smut" or "do something with this tag" or whatever. I love "audience participation," and I promise I don't bite :)
> 
> I don't really have much for this chapter, since it's just an introduction to the story. But if this happens to be the first story you read of mine, hello! Welcome, how are you? I hope you enjoy this story, and any other works on my account if you look at them (there are many).  
> Anywho, it's late and I've had a heck of a day, but I just couldn't keep from writing for you guys- you keep me going. So thank you, and I really really hope you enjoy what this ends up being- I think it'll be one of my favourites :) So just remember- deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth- happy thoughts, about soft grass and warm sun and all the things that calm you- and you'll be okay, I promise. Thank you so so so much, and I can't wait until next time ^-^


	2. Chapter One

It seems to rain everyday now. Ever since Dan left, the grey clouds never left, and they never stopped crying- maybe because I never stop crying. He never said where he went, he just… disappeared. He went out one day and I haven’t seen him since. I haven’t seen his dimples or his eyes or… him. I haven’t heard his laugh or his voice, but if I try hard enough, I can feel his arms around me or his hand on mine. I miss it. But sometimes crying is all that brings him back- so I spend hour after hour crying, praying that my tears will manifest into him. And all I do is forget. I forget when he left and where he was supposed to go, or if he left forever and it was too much to handle so my mind blocked it out, just to leave me as the confused mess I am. 

That’s how I woke up, in a pool of tears and sweat. I don’t sleep much, but when I do, all I see is him. It’s him leaving and turning his back to me, walking away. All I see are the memories of the nights we spent getting drunk on wine we drank from each other's lips and the love we made so we couldn’t even remember it the next day. And it always hurts- it fucking hurts. But today, today feels different. I don’t know how long it’s been or how long it will be, but the pain passes and I feel numb. I can’t cry, because I can’t feel. And it takes absolutely everything in me to throw myself out of bed, and I’m dragging my feet like there are stones attached all the way to the kitchen. 

The only thing that stops me is the buzz of the T.V. from the lounge. I’m not sure when I turned it on or if I ever turned it off, but it’s buzzing loud with the news from who knows when and I’m not even sure if I’m awake when I stumble over to turn it off. But I stop again, everything choppy and mechanical. There’s a reporter talking about news from last night, and it only makes the grey clouds greyer. 

“Many reports of gunshots heard throughout London, resulting in a man and woman dead, and another man injured. The suspect has not been caught, but police officials are investigating the evidence. More to come tonight.” They flash pictures of the victims, and all I see is Dan. It’s not, I-I know it’s not. But his hair is curly like Dan’s even though it’s black, and the other has deep dimples just like him. The woman has his eyes, in every way, and I swear she has his hips. Dan flashes through my mind like he has ever since he left, but it hurts so much more this time, just for a moment. I can’t look at him anymore- they look too much like him. 

It only makes me remember. It hurts too much to remember. I take a deep breath and let my thumb slip over the button, so the T.V. turns off with a soft click- like the hammer pulled back on a gun. 

And the anticipation begins. 

 

I don’t remember the last time I’ve eaten. My stomach is growling and hunger is clawing at my throat, but my appetite vanished who-knows-how long ago. But I know I should eat, because I can feel my ribs poking through my skin and that hurts more than the hunger threatening to kill me. 

But the fridge is empty. All we have is pickles and spoiled milk and I don’t know when I last went to the store, but I do know that the one bottle of alcohol we had is missing. Did I drink that? Maybe… maybe that’s why everything has hurt so much… why my head can’t stop spinning…

How long have I been standing here? I don’t know what day it is or what time it is and my eyes hurt to much from crying… eye drops. Eye drops will help. I stumble to the bathroom, and maybe I am drunk, because I don’t know which foot is left or right or which goes first and my vision is so fuzzy the whole time there. I go to reach for the cabinet but everything seems to stop me, because I don’t remember there being a bottle of pills left open and spilled across the floor- at least what’s left of them. A bottle of one hundred sleeping pills has been reduced to a busted cap and about forty pills on the floor. When did that happen?

I shake my head, bt it only hurts more. I abandoned the eye drops because I know I’ll only cry more, and I go for pain reliever instead, in hope of curing the pain that comes from loss. I take a couple sleeping pills, because I need to sleep more- it’s all that makes the pain stop. I don’t remember actually laying down before my eyes close, or going to my room at all. But what I do know is that I see Dan when I sleep, and I can’t decide if that’s going to ruin my life or not. I can’t tell if it will keep hurting, if I should keep hanging onto something that hurts so much. I can’t tell if it’s worth remembering. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up Dan and Phil games... therapists? Wow, great one. I haven't done a greeting like that in a while so I thought I'd try it, but I think there's a reason I stopped doing it. Anyway, how are you? I've missed you guys a lot. And I know I said I'd post on Fridays and Saturdays, but I had a lot to do this weekend and Sunday was a lot easier. But I'll try to keep up on it, I promise :)  
> But really, how are you? Are you eating okay? Getting enough water? I hope you are- it really makes a big difference. Your mental and physical health go hand in hand. If you're physically feeling shitty, you will mentally feel shity, and vice versa. It's fact. That's why it's so important to take care of yourself, because it really does effect your mental health. So just be sure to get a little exercise here and there, and make sure you drink water :)  
> I had another meeting with my therapist the other day, and I think it's going to help. She's told me a lot of stuff already, and I want to share some of that stuff with you guys. One of the things she has me to is write down all of the good and bad things that happen between our meetings. i write down all the times I cry and all the things that make me happy, and it kind of helps. It helps to just reflect back on stuff and evaluate it, and realize that the bad stuff wasn't really the end of the world, even though it felt like it at the time. Another thing she tells me to do is come with a little motto to repeat to myself whenever I'm panicking or freaking out or something. And mine is the one I put at the end of these notes- deep breaths, happy thoughts, and everything will be okay. You can use that, or you can come up with your own or find another. There's a million different mottos out there, you just have to find the one that works for you :)  
> Now the biggest part of most anxiety- at least my own- is over-analyzing. I'm constantly thinking about every possible thing that could happen if I do something, and all the terrible things that could happen. And what my therapist told me is that I should think about what the worst thing that could happen is. And then you think- is that really so bad? If that happens, is it really the end of the world? And just try to put everything back into perspective. It really helps for me, because I can realize that I was freaking out over nothing. And sometimes that makes me feel stupid, for freaking out over nothing, but it takes time to stop reacting like that to stuff, and that's okay. Just take your times and work at your on pace, and some day you're not going to worry about wearing that shirt in public or what people think of how you walk. It's okay to take your time and over-exaggerate things sometimes- just remember to take a step back and really look at the situation, and see if things are really as bad as they seem :)  
> That's about all I have this time- I really like helping you guys and giving advise, so if you ever need any help or advise on something or just want my opinion, please let me know! I love helping and seeing what you guys want to see and need help with. Any comments mean so much to me, whether it's a prompt idea or criticism or something I can help with, they always make me so happy.  
> So thank you so so so much, and, as always, I hope you have an amazing night, day, and week. You're beautiful, no matter what, and I love you guys so much :) So just remember- deep breaths, happy thoughts, and everything will be okay. Until next time! ^-^


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning- Descriptions of blood, so read with caution if you're sensitive to that :) (I'll leave notes where it is so you can easily skip it)

It’s cold. It’s- cold? I don’t remember feeling the transition of snowflakes nipping at my bare arms from the warmth of the flat. The grass is all frostbitten and my fingers blue, and I have no doubt my lips are stained grape. It’s so- cold. When did I get out here? It’s so peaceful when the bustling London streets aren’t bustling, all still and frozen in time with thin sheets of ice putting them to sleep for the few night buses that travel at such an ungodly hour- what hour is it? I don’t remember getting here, I don’t even know where I am or what time it is or- 

(Blood warning) The snow is stained red. It’s- it’s dripping and- my hand, my hand has blood but it’s not hurt, I don’t feel anything. It’s crimson and dripping like rain and falling with snowflakes to stain it this absorbing red, spreading and spreading and-

There’s a body. A man. He must be in his early twenties- he looks so young, so lively with the curls in his hair. The same curls Dan had. He looks- he looks like Dan, just a little. Just enough to bring him back. I didn’t realize my hands were in fists until I felt my nails digging into my palm. It didn’t hurt, but it pinched enough for me to jump from the surprise and fall back into the snow. My palms are pressed against the pavement but I can’t feel how cold it is because I’m too focused staring at the lifeless body laying with a bullet hole in his skull. 

(Blood warning) He’s dead. I know he is. I don’t like the word and I don’t like staring death in the face but I can’t pull my eyes away from the blood pooling from the wound in his head- he must have been shot from the front because he’s on his back and his eyes are rolled back as to see the blood pouring from his head. I can’t stop. I can’t stop looking and seeing and not feeling- when did he get here? When did I get here? How did a man get shot and I happen to be standing right in front of him without even knowing- why? Why did it happen who did it all I can remember is seeing white and being here and I don’t remember walking down the London roads or seeing this man and I never heard a gunshot- was I even here? I can’t see a weapon though I’m not really looking because my hands are running themselves through the snow and feeling the ice growing on the pavement, manifesting and spreading and taking over- like Dan. His lost presence growing and taking over my entire being until there’s absolutely nothing left and he’s crushed every part of me that could have been left. 

(Blood warning) I don’t know how long I stayed there, letting my hands turn purple and my lips blue while I watched this man’s body decay by the second and the blood dry and turn black- lifeless. I can almost feel him dying, turning white and freezing. It’s hours later, when the sun is waking and turning the sky a soft pink that casts itself across London, that I finally manage to stop my legs from shaking and stand well enough to walk home. I can’t feel my hands and my eyes can't stay open and I can feel my toes turning blue. But the warmth of the house thaws them when I step into the scalding shower and let the water run over the blue and white my skin has turned into. It hurts- burns- but I don’t care enough to pull myself from the shower floor. The water is running through my hair and down my back and I’m falling asleep when my head hits the shower wall and I’ve never felt so uncoordinated. And I’m sitting on the shower floor with my head throbbing and my hands shaking when I spot the small spots of blood on the far side of the tub. I don’t- I don’t remember bleeding, though I don’t remember much these days. It’s dried and though there’s not much it’s enough to make me run from the shower and throw up everything I haven’t eaten in the past few days. It’s wrenching and awful and I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt so lifeless for so long. 

It takes four sleeping pills to knock me out that night. It’s dreamless and dull and I wake up crying like I have every morning since he left. And I make coffee for me to leave on the counter and I watch the news like I have everyday, with lifeless eyes and not absorbing anything they say.

Except one thing- the last thing I hear before my head hits the pillow again. 

“Another victim found, a gunshot through his skull. He was found hours after his murder, and there was no weapon or bystander in sight.” His picture flashed on the screen, and there wasn't a feature I didn't remember- not a part of him that I would ever forget. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies! How are you? I know I've been completely awful at keeping up with the update schedule I set for myself, and for that I apologise. But I have missed you guys so so much, and I can't wait to here about everything I've missed. How is school? Have you had a birthday recently? If you have, Happy Birthday! I hope you've been taking care of yourself as best as you can, no matter what that means for you. Whether that means you're drinking one or four bottles of water a day, or whether you can only manage to eat one meal or you can't help but eat six. It doesn't matter what you're doing, as long as you're doing the best you can- it's all that matters. And if that means you can't bother to shower today or you have to go to bed at 5 in the evening without even eating dinner, so be it. If you can't manage to get your homework done or study for that test because everything's just a little too much and you need the extra moments of peace and calm, then that's okay. It's the best you can do, and that's all that matters. No matter what you're doing, doing the best you can is all that matters.  
> So I don't have much today, but I've kept going to therapy and I guess it's going okay. We're kind of at a standstill because she doesn't know what to do because she thinks I have control of my life, and I'm not really sure how to tell her I don't. But, that's a part of the process, and I guess we'll work through it how we can. And if you're in therapy, my tips are to just make sure you keep calm and breathe while you're talking to your therapist. Something that works really good for me is colouring while I'm in therapy. It sounds lame, but it's actually really calming and makes it easier, because I get uncomfortable looking right at my therapist and talking to her, so it's a lot easier to talk to her when I can kind of focus on something else and tell her stuff. And if you're not in therapy, and you think it would help at all- do it. It really is helpful. Even after the first meeting, though it wasn't much, I just thought- yeah, this is going to work out. one day, after one meeting, I know I'll walk out of there and feel the best I ever have. And if you haven't yet, you will. You're going to have that day that's so breathtakingly amazing that you're going to be sure you're dreaming. And it'll stay like that, everyday after. You're going to have all these days where all you do is smile and live like the happiest person in the world. And during that time if you have a day that feels like one of the darkest, where you can't manage a smile at all and you feel like crawling into bed for the rest of your life- don't panic. Just breathe, and do what you need to do to relax and take care of yourself. And if that means locking yourself in your room with an entire tub of ice cream and not coming out for days, only to use the bathroom and get water, then so be it. Just wait it out and let your body and mind take the time it needs to recoup and rest, and you're going to go back to the happy days you had- I promise. Life is a roller coaster that never stops twisting and turning, but it; sup to you how you handle it- whether you scream and raise your arms through it or you sit motionless and watch everything pass by.  
> So just take the time you need to take care of yourself, no matter what that means. No matter how many homework assignments yo miss to how many test you end up failing- if it means eating three times the amount you should or three times less than you should- if it means not turning the lights on for three days or sitting awake in bed four hours but never moving- let it be. Let time pass and just take it as you need to, let yourself relax and rest and do as little as possible if that's what it means. And if it means you have to give up a week of your life just for your mind to rest and get your mental stability back, then that's okay- you are so much more important than a stupid grade or anything else. Your weight and your hair colour and the shoes that you wear and the shape of your eyebrows mean absolutely nothing. Yeah,everything lies to look their best- that's okay. But do it for you. Not for the person you like or the one you hate. Let yourself be beautiful just because you are. And it all you can manage to do is not shower and throw on the first clothes you see, that's okay- it couldn't matter less. It's you, and you're here, and that's all that matters.  
> This ended up being longer than I thought, oops >~< But thank you guys so so so so much- I honestly have no clue what I would do without you. I have saved so many comments from here because I just can't believe there are people as sweet as you guys. So thank you, I could never thank you enough- you guys mean the world to me.   
> Just remember to breathe. Deep breaths, happy thoughts, and everything that's killing you now is going to be okay- I promise. goodbye! ^-^


	4. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to remind you guys that this story will hold mentions of drug abuse, blood, and suicide, and to please keep that in mind throughout the rest of the story. I want you guys to stay safe and enjoy yourselves, and I will put a few more warnings through other chapters of the story to make sure you guys know :) Thank you, and please enjoy! ^-^

My head is growing clearer as the weeks pass. I still don’t know where Dan is or why he left or how long it’s been since I’ve had a proper shower- one that didn’t start with me sitting on the cold tiles with scalding water down my back and end with me staring down the shower drain as if that’d be enough for it to suck me into it and take away all the pain. 

But I can remember my name and most days I remember how to make coffee and I can remind myself to eat. And I read the paper and watch the news and check the weather like normal people, but it just seems.. Pointless now. There’s no need to know it’s going to rain today if I’m not gonna leave the flat, and there’s no point in reading about news I can watch but when I watch it goes in one ear and out the other and it’s pointless in the end- it all is. 

The only thing on my mind is the murders. They’re spreading quickly- it started with one and the next didn’t happen for another week, where there were three. Then there were two the next day and the next four were spread out for four days- one each day, leading up to the one last night. A woman was found with her hair shaved and eyes gutted, stuffed into an alleyway and left with a gunshot through her chest. They haven’t found fingerprints- not at any scene. There’s not a single bit of security footage and not one bystander- only the ones that were unfortunate enough to find the bodies. And they keep me up at night- not because I’m afraid of being next, because at this point everything feels so numb I’d be thankful to be shot or gutted or anything to make me feel something. No- I’m staring at the ceiling night after night and sighing when I realize only minutes have gone past because they all have one thing in common- they remind me of him. Usually everything does- coffee mugs that he drank cocoa out of and small dogs he’d gush over, black pants and pencils that clicked like he liked. But these- victims, they all look like him. She has his hair and he has his eyes and one even had hands that curled around the pavement like Dan’s did around a book. And I can’t tear my eyes away from the one from last night and looks  _ exactly _ like him. He was 6’1” and weighed the same, and his hair laid just at his ears and curled around his eyes, ones a deep brown dusted yellow and reflected just like Dan’s. Just like… Dan’s. 

I put myself on antidepressants- the ones Dan is on. He took them for a while, but he stopped after he said he was feeling better. So he gave up on them, leaving about a full bottle in the cupboard. I’ve gotten one refill, managing to say I was picking it up for Dan. I’m not sure if they’re working, but my head is a little clearer and my eyes don’t water when I walk past the bathroom anymore. Maybe they are, but I’ve started taking two every morning in hopes that maybe they can make me remember- remember where my boyfriend went and why. Make me remember why he left and why I haven’t seen him for God knows how long. Maybe I’ll remember what day it is and when he left and how long it’s been in between. It’s been weeks- months? All I know is the mail is overflowing and I can't bring myself to open the bills I can’t pay or read the hundred messages I have from my mum and friends and the ones that blow up my phone all day. They don’t have the answers- they won’t tell me why my lover left and why I keep having nightmares about smashing vodka bottles and drowning in a bathtub of pills- having these vivid images of lifeless bodies in bathtubs of rum with shaking hands swallowing pills like they’re candy. 

I don’t know why it’s happening- the murders and Dan leaving and my head fogging itself with the thoughts I can’t push away. But what I know is that there’s an investigation going on, and they’re interviewing people in the area, asking about late night activities and what they’ve heard and seen. What I know is that I have to take three sleeping pills every night to be able to get the slightest bit of sleep, and I can’t make it through the day without the antidepressants that aren’t mine to take- it’s not that they're helping, it’s that my conscious collapses if I know I haven't swallowed them down with cold coffee and followed them with stale toast. 

I don’t know why it hurts, or why it’s happening. But I do know that I haven’t turned the T.V. off since the first news report, and I don’t plan on turning it off at all. There has to be something- anything that will make me remember. There has to be something, just something that will be worth the trouble. 


	5. I'm sorry..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my explanation and apology for being gone for so long

Hey guys- I firstly just want to apologise for being gone for... months, I'm not sure how many. I think the last time I got on here was in December, and it's March. I have still been checking my inbox because you guys still mean the world to me, but with little motivation to get out of bed anymore, it's been hard to bring myself back here. Every time I thought about it I just felt incredibly bad for being gone so long and didn't know what to say. So i figured now I would just push myself to come back and tell you guys how terribly I've missed you. And I really really hope you guys are doing alright- how are you? Has anything exciting happened? And how was your Christmas, if you celebrate it? I hope you lovely people are doing absolutely amazing, and I hope to hear from you guys more. Don't forget my social media stuff is in my bio thingy and I go on those more often than here, so I will always get your message and respond sooner than I do here. So please come talk to me :) I absolutely love hearing from you guys and knowing how you're doing, even if it's not good- I am always here for you guys, always here to help however I can. And on Instagram you can message me, but I also have people message me all the time to write poems and such for them about whatever (within reason), and I absolutely love it, it makes me happy to do things for people.

So, being gone for so long, I feel like I should have a bit of a life update (?) So my therapy has been... uneventful, really. I got antidepressants but they really don't do anything and my therapist is really insensitive and doesn't seem to care or understand anything I'm even saying, so I'm hoping to get a new one. My boyfriend is as wonderful and adorable as ever, and I pretty much spend every second I can with him. He always makes me feel better just by being there and I love talking about him, so expect a lot about him ^-^ He's the sweetest little boy and (promo) his instagram is @xxdannyvargas and you can see how adorable he is- I do monitor his account because he gets a lot of messages from pervs and assholes so if one of you guys does that (which I would never imagine, but I'm protective of him) you'll hear from me :) He's too precious, I love him so much and that's basically what's been going on. 

I also didn't even have power, water, heat, or really a house for nearly two weeks (my basement flooded and... yeah that was fun) we just got it back yesterday so yeah, perfect time to come back. Nothing else has really been going on, so I just want to hear about you guys- How are you?? I've really missed you guys and I really hope you're doing well. You guys are all amazing and the sweetest people I've ever met, I love hearing from you. So just tell me how you've been the last couple months, tell me how things are going, because I love hearing about it. And if you're kind of new here or haven't really commented or introduced yourself, tell me about yourself! You can tell me your age or gender or where you're from, literally anything- you can tell me as much or as little as you want, I love hearing anything about you guys, mostly where you're all from, it's really cool to meat people from different states and countries. 

 

We interrupt your scheduled update for the lesson of today- self-worth. I know nearly everyone, including myself, struggles with things like this. Thinking someone is worse off than you so you don't deserve as much attention or love as them, thinking that just because their situation may be worse that you aren't as important. But let me tell you with one hundred percent honesty- that is not true. No matter what you are going through, that should not be compared to someone elses situation, whether it is remotely similar or completely different. For example- if you self harm and it's only a little, barely at all- do not compare that to someone who does it terribly- it is in no way fair. We all go through different things and experience them differently. If your parents divorce, you may not have a problem with it and it may not effect you. But if it happens to someone else, it might be tragically devastating- it all depends on the tiniest details and how everyone's brain functions and processes things differently. That means you can never hold yourself accountable for how you react to something, whether it be jealousy or getting upset, anything. You cannot help it. Yes we can all condition ourselves to be stronger and there's psychological stuff like that, but we are born the way we are and we can't change that. We are born with a different range of sensitivity and born to understand and handle things in different ways. And yes, some people are just born assholes. And some people (like you guys) are just born being the sweetest and most caring people ever. But the way we handle situations and the things we go through can change things like that. And event and how we handle that can change things about ourselves if we let it. That means the asshole can turn into a sweet person and a sweet person can turn into an asshole, all depending on how they let life shape them. 

But non of this should be compared to anyone else. You shouldn't belittle yourself because you're more or less sensitive than someone else- it doesn't make you any less important or significant. Even if you have no emotion or feelings at all, so what? People are born the way they are and we can't change that- all we can do is embrace it and accept it. Don't think that the way you feel things or how you handle things makes you a burden- you aren't. You could never be a burden for the way you feel things, ever. And none of you will ever be a burden to me. Sure I might not be able to respond right away because I'm busy with something, but that doesn't mean you're a burden. I will always have time for you guys and always want to here from you, no matter what. And I want you guys to remember that, that you can always come to me for literally anything, even if you just need a distraction- because I have lots of cat pictures that'll make anyone feel better. 

 

I guess that's really all I have right now- I really hope you guys are doing well and I hear from you. Please remember how much I love you guys and that I will always be here for all of you. I love you guys so much, and don't forget- deep breaths, happy thoughts, and everything will be okay- I promise :) Thank you so so much and I hope you can forgive me, and until next time! ^-^


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